true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
