Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
