I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
