i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
