I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
