Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
