this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
