Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
