So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
