i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
