When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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