He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize