anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
