My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
