Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
