guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I smell like Dick and happiness
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