pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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