I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
