My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Randomize
