Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
