did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize