If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
