I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
