Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
