i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
