The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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