Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
