and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
