no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
