k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
