I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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