My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize