I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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