I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
