Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize