I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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