He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize