i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
