god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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