If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
