Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
