Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He kissed a someone with a penis
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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