if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
