Old men and throwing up are my life now.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
