So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
