dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
