Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
