I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
A bitchslap is in order.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
