singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize