I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
