oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
