Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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