I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
