you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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