my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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